BRUSSELS, Belgium, Dec. 26...Upstaged and rendered irrelevant by the rise of Barrack Obama, European leaders have formed a secret task force to find ways to tarnish his image, the Daily Event has learned.

"George Bush was an easy foil who made all our leaders look good," said a Euro diplomat, who asked not be identified be cause he/she is not allowed to speak to the media. "But Obama is outshining us, seducing our volatile populations."

The unit, consisting of intelligence analysts, media specialists and psychological warfare operatives, will seek to uncover scandal, create unflattering stories and exploit weaknesses in Obama's personality. Nations that have been in political and economic conflict have agreed to forget their differences and cooperate fully.

"We are united in our understanding that Obama is a threat to the political survival of every leader in the world," the diplomat said.

The alarm was sounded in foreign capitals last July when 200,000 screaming Germans welcomed Obama to Berlin. Flaunting piercings, strumming guitars and, most distressingly, waving American flags, the crowd massed impatiently across from the Brandenburg Gate where JFK had famously proclaimed "Ich Bin Eine Berliner," and Ronald Reagan had challenged Russian Prime Minister Gorbachev to "tear down this wall." Rock bands and DJ's warmed up the crowd, local politicians, scrambled for a ray of reflected glory.

The crowd cheered as Obama called for greater cooperation in dealing with the problems of terrorism and poverty. "No nation, no matter how large and powerful can defeat these challenges alone," he said. The collective mood was summed up by a student: "Having a black American president will be totally cool."

In her office German Chancellor Angela Merkel watched glumly. She had tried everything to prevent Obama's appearance, saying that it would give the impression that the German government supported his candidacy. But she had been overwhelmed by the world's need for a new charismatic leader. On her desk were German newspapers raving about Obama. On her phone were some very worried heads of state---Sarkozy, Brown, Berlusconi, Putin, Hu Jintao, Saudi King Abdullah and Venezuelan President Chavez.

"I haven't seen a German waving an American flag since 1989," Putin said.

"Let's face it, ragazzi," said Berlusconi. "We've lost our whipping boy."

For the last eight years the world has been able to hide its misdeeds behind the catastrophic policies of the Bush administration. Under Bush the US was the only country to reject the Kyoto accords. Every other nation piously criticized the US while secretly violating the agreement by engaging in meaningless carbon exchanges that actually increased the amount of pollutants in the atmosphere. Under Bush's refusal to lift farm subsidies the other nations were able to conceal their protectionism. European Commissioner for Trade Peter Mandelson was allowed to indulge his penchant for drama, while accomplishing nothing. Bush's invasion of Iraq became a pretext for European inactivity in Africa, South Asia and the Middle East. They were able to pin the blame for their multitude of sins on his scandal-ridden, dysfunctional administration. Putin, faced by the collapse of a mismanaged, single-product economy, could accuse the US of "infecting" the financial system. French Finance Minister Lagarde could obscure the $7 billion fraud at Societe Generale by criticizing the American SEC for "failure to regulate." Iceland could blame the US for its infatuation with risky derivatives. Germany could neatly deflect attention from its tax and banking scandals. OPEC, which had gotten wealthy on $50 a barrel oil could condemn the US because oil producers now needed $90 oil just to survive. China could appeal to its rebellious workers that the US was responsible for their sudden unemployment. It could righteously refuse to help the US out of the economic crisis it had helped to create when it purchased trillions of dollars of debt and artificially devalued its currency to fund American consumers purchase of its defective and dangerous products.

As long as Bush bullied and blundered, the other leaders could shine in comparison. But now Obama has hit the ball into their court. He has asked for their cooperation. Implicit in his appeal is the message: you must do more in this dangerous world. You must take political risks.

"It is cheaper and easier to undermine," the Euro diplomat said.

The task force, code named Operation Smear, has been at work behind closed doors in an obscure office building in downtown Ghent for a month and a half. Sub groups were formed to work on corruption, sexual misconduct, drug abuse, association with criminals, weird hobbies, odd dietary habits, embarrassing odors, anything to promote contempt or ridicule. At their weekly meeting, group leaders admitted they were stymied.

They were admonished by their chairman. "You are the best and brightest scandal mongers, malice spinners, frame artists and disinformation specialists in the world and you cannot dig up one speck of dirt on this man?"

After a moment of abashed silence, a timid voice volunteered:

"We could say he is soft on Israel..."

The room erupted in applause.

"Yes...Yes...He's a tool of the Jewish lobby," someone shouted.

"That always works."

The Daily Event is proud to have guest columnist Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, editor-in chief of paranoiaisfact.com, to answers readers' questions.

Dear Igor,

I sell souvenirs to tourists on the Staten Island Ferry and after eight years of Dubya I can't give America away. Nobody wants Statue of Liberty piggy banks,  FBI caps, "Brooklyn Rules" tees...Not even Michael Jackson wind up dolls. People used to be in awe of how cool we were--NYC, DC, the Grand Canyon, Hollywood. Now they come to sneer and feel superior.  Our plunging dollar makes us a cheap date. Our leaders get no respect. After Bush trashed the American brand I thought Obama would turn it around, but his novelty has quickly faded and now I'm stuck with a gross of  "Yes I Can" hoodies.  I'm afraid America will never be cool again. Is this paranoia or fact?

Distressed Peddler
Sunnyside, Queens

Dear Distressed,

This is fact. According to a recent Pew survey,the US ranked 117th on the cool index, right under Tierra Del Fuego. Only Russia, China, the UK and Zimbabwe were considered less cool than the US.

America created the 20th. Century in its own image. Victorious in two wars, innovative in industry and the arts, it was a magnet for the best minds and most energetic workers in the world. Everyone loved Detroit cars, Broadway musicals, Hollywood movies, American cigarettes and Elvis. American Capitalism vanquished Soviet Communism by promising eternal, exponential wealth. 

America was cool.

Now the American financial house of cards has collapsed. General Motors is begging Government handouts, Broadway is ruled by British imports,Hollywood is a limping subdivision of bloated conglomerates, the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer and Graceland is controlled by  Scientology.

Uncool.

In its ascendancy, the US had the coolest leaders. FDR betrayed his class to bring the US out of the Depression. Harry Truman fired MacArthur and stood up to Stalin. Dwight D. Eisenhower, wartime commander and Five Star General, turned on his brethren to warn  about the "Military-Industrial Complex." JFK,  brought hipness, taste and sophistication into the White House and  called Krushchev's bluff in Cuba.  Even Lyndon Johnson had the dignity to withdraw from public life when the people rejected him.

Cool.

During its  slow decline the US has experienced an unbroken chain of bizarre nonentities. Nixon inexplicably recorded his own incriminating statements; Carter, a peanut farmer with delusions of prophecy,  left office with a 19% interest rate; Reagan, an underpaid Warner Bros. contract player, actually believed that the rich would allow a minuscule portion of their wealth to "trickle down" to the working class; Clinton, a glib, small town Lothario, enabled Wall Street to take over the American economy. The Bushes are the greatest argument against ruling class inbreeding since the Hapsburgs. Obama has seen ingratiation turn into antagonism and doesn't know what to do about it.

Uncool.

American celebrities were the coolest in the world. Could anyone top Marilyn or Einstein (he was a citizen), Astaire, Grace Kelly, Jonas Salk, Jackie O, Brando, Duke Ellington, Broadway Joe--the list is truly endless. 

Now you have OJ, MJ, Lindsay Lohan, Elliot Spitzer. You have the dangerous nonentities of reality TV. Sports stars who turn themselves into bionic chimeras with steroids and surgery.

But don't feel too bad, Distressed. At least you can complain. Three quarters of the world must suffer in silence. They live  under the heel of oligarchical thugs who maintain their power by censorship, repression, torture, rape and outright massacre. 

Uncool

China hasn't been cool since Confucius, France since Sartre and Belmondo; the UK since James Bond and he wasn't even real. Italy has a seventy-three year old President who brags to teenage girls about his sexual prowess. Russia was cool with Rasputin, but Putin  poses shirtless like Mr. Universe and  Medvedev,  the little man who wasn't there, makes pronouncements that no one hears.

The entire planet is totally, hopelessly...

Uncool.