BEIJING, China,...Dec. 9 A top-secret report prepared for China's Ministry of State Security (MSS) predicts that none of President-elect Obama's appointees will be in office at the end of his first term.

They are all qiao zong huo fan," the anonymous author says, using the Chinese term for bridge burners. "They will depart, leaving flames in their wake."

The report, which was leaked to the Daily Event by officials who prefer to be nameless out of fear of summary execution, analyzed bios and interviews to compile a profile of the typical appointee.

"He or she is addicted to conquest," the report says." But once success has been achieved becomes bored and either moves on or self-destructs."

The author sees Obama's cabinet as a "snake pit of militant egos," Three appointees sought the presidential nomination--Clinton, Richardson and Daschle. "Clinton feels great bitterness toward Richardson and Daschle for rejecting her to support Obama. She regards Richardson as an apostate who turned on her after all she and her husband had done for him.

"Richardson for his part, feels that he has not been rewarded for courageously spurning Clinton to support Obama in the early days before the outcome was clear. Every cabinet meeting will sting like a slap in the face as he sees Clinton sitting on the president's right hand in the job he coveted."

"Clinton and Richardson will make a public show of working together, but will intrigue against each other in private."

Daschle, was humiliated by his defeat in 2006 when Democrats were sweeping into office everywhere else. The report says that he he must engineer a major health care initiative to restore his political viability and predicts that his possible opponents in 2016 will try to block him at every turn.

"Competitive people do not give up their dreams," the author says. "The three who lost still aspire to ultimate power. Secretly they will wish Obama to fail."

The report predicts that the early days of the new administration will be rife with conflict and controversy. "Each cabinet officer will be given daunting tasks that they will be unable to perform."

As Secretary of State Clinton will be charged with persuading the Europeans to contribute more troops and money to the War on Terror.

"This they will not do."

Iran will not swayed from its nuclear path, the report says. "Clinton will try to ignore the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, but a series of attacks and retaliations will force her to engage...and fail."

The exit from Iraq will be messy. "American troops will fight bloody rear guard actions designed to extract the utmost humiliation."

Wary of appearing weak Obama will not remove the missile shield in Eastern Europe and Clinton will try to mollify the Russians into accepting it.

"This she will not do," the report says.

Defense Secretary Gates is a possible Republican contender. He will be looking for a way to maximize his credit while subtly detracting from his possible opponent in 2012. Sensing this, Clinton will try to minimize his influence. "There will be much backstage plotting," the report predicts.

"After the last American soldier has left, Gates will resign..."

Clinton and new Treasure Secretary Geithner will try to get the Chinese to open their financial markets and let the yuan appreciate.

"This of course, we will not do," the report says. It concludes that Clinton's tenure will be dogged by one failure after another that, fearing for her place in history, she will have to find a way to escape. A seat on the Supreme Court might provide a graceful exit.

Attorney-General designee Eric Holder has been chosen to "prevent revenge prosecutions," the report says. "The left wing of the party will want to indict Cheney and Rumsfeld. It will seek prosecution of high level financial donors. Obama does not want to alienate Republicans by going after Bush war criminals. Holder will hold the fort for Obama's wealthy patrons as long as he can. He will suffer a great loss of public prestige and will return to his lucrative law practice."

As Commerce Secretary Richardson will have to create business opportunities in a depressed global economy.

"This he will not do," he says.

"He will be diminished politically."

Treasury Secretary Geithner will try to find a way to keep taxes and inflation down while Government expenditures soar into the trillions.

"This no one could do."

Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic adviser is "a brilliant careerist, but not an original thinker," the report says. "Faced by a real unemployment rate of 15% he will be unable to innovate. Watching his fabled reputation wither as the economy languishes he will focus on the job he really wants---Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Current chairman Bernanke, weakened by the crisis, will be easy to topple. Summers will have a job that confers the maximum of prestige with the minimum of thought."

The report expresses puzzlement that Obama has not chosen loyalists, but "competitive individuals with deep personal agendas." It asks: "does this show that he is a naive bungler? Or is he brilliantly creating scapegoats for the failures he knows will come?"

It says a deeper analysis of Obama can be delayed in the short term. Given the turmoil in the US, China's future is not threatened.

"If we control dissent, stifle protests among migrant workers and farmers and keep the yuan artificially low we will continue to prosper. The US will not stop us."

THE DAILY EVENT FUTURE BEAT

Sparing no expense in its determination to pique the interest of its demanding, easily distracted readership, the Daily Event has sent reporter Dale Arden hurtling at near light speed--and great personal risk--through a space/time wormhole into the future. This is her first dispatch.

EXOPLANET IN DEFAULT BLAMES "EARTHGREED"

SPACE STATION MAMMON, March 27, 2059...Plagued by non-performing loans, fund redemptions and collateral calls the planet Gliese 581c edged closer to bankruptcy yesterday.

Trading on the Gliesian "Astral" was halted after it plunged to As11,000 to the dollar on the Near Space Currency Exchange.

Rhapsodia, which is what Gliesians called their planet, B.C. (Before Contact) had been trying to negotiate bridge loans and an extension on payments due, said Chief Monetizer Etaoin Shrdlu, but "our terrestrial counter-parties have turned their backs on us." He said that Gliese 581c with a mass 1.5 times the size of earth is "too big to fail," and warned that "unless we receive emergency aid we'll all be consumed in a financial super nova that will reduce our bi-solar system to a shantytown of barren asteroids."

In Beijing, Galactic Reserve Bank Chairman Heng Mao agreed that "we cannot easily overcome the gravity of this situation," but accused Gliese of "gamma ray rhetoric."

"The Gliesians have created an unsustainable consumer economy based on easy credit, baseless speculation and chaotic deregulation," Heng said. "To bail them out now would be to throw more money down a black hole."

The Earth-Gliese Articles of Confederation promise "sempiternal harmony" to the peoples of both planets, but in recent years the union has been shaken by accusations of mismanagement, malfeasance and corruption. This is a tragic development to elderly earth scientists who remember the morning of April 24, 2007 when news came from the La Silla Paranol Observatory in Southern Chile that an exoplanet had been discovered orbiting the red dwarf Gliese about 20.5 light years from earth. To the gleeful astronomers who had been "planet hunting" for years it was a possible kindred spirit in the vast, ever-expanding universe. Orbiting in what they called "the Goldilocks zone," not too hot or too cold, it had atmospheric conditions that could support life forms similar to earth' s. The temperature range was between 32 and 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Some computer models posited a rocky, mountainous surface; others detected a "seaworld" of temperate oceans with a profusion of life forms flourishing beneath the surface.

Radio waves were instantly beamed from observatories and satellites all over the planet. For years there was no response, but the scientists persisted. Then on December 24, 2015, a faint wave was received. Some described it as "tentative, almost reluctant." Later it emerged that the Gliesians, a shy people, had been unnerved by this bombardment of signals, not understanding that there was an intense competition on earth to see who would be the first to communicate with them.

Scientists on both planets worked tirelessly to develop a rudimentary code. A technology was perfected to transmit graphics...then photographs...then videos. Linguistics specialists created a new language and soon the planets were conversing with fluent comprehension.

In those heady days the two planets were exhilarated to learn that they were not alone in the universe. Every bit of information was a revelation. The computer models had been half right. Gliese 581c was half-rock, half-ocean. In grainy images transmitted across 20.5 light years the rock people looked like centaurs, half-being, half-vehicle with bulbous heads and four suction casters for climbing. The sea dwellers were like mermaids, half-being, half-motorized tail. Anthropologists were amazed at how closely they resembled creatures from earthly myths. But some were alarmed. On Fox News Network Bill O'Reilly warned that "these Gliesians obviously visited earth in our prehistory, planted commands in our preconscious minds, and now plan to return to enslave us."

In spite of their physical differences the Gliesians were a united people. They were stressless and amiable, each group supplying the needs of the other. They had achieved voluntary immortality, controlling their moments of what they called "inception" and "cessation." Eager to please their new friends on earth they agreed to change the name of their planet to Gliese.

"They live in tranquil cooperation," Dr. Phil said, and was overheard muttering to an assistant: "if this spreads to earth it will put us all out of business."

But analysts soon found that there was one area in which the Gliesians were deficient: They had no economy.

"They were less sophisticated than the most primitive village in the Amazon," says economist Elliot Gruber-Yonge. "They didn't even understand potlatch."

"We had been humbled by their superior lifestyle," adds psychologist Anne Grosspiske. "Now we realized we had something to teach them."

Economists set to work helping the Gliesians build an economic system.

"First, we created a currency, the astral, which would replace barter and capricious generosity as a way of dispensing and acquiring services " says Gruber-Yonge. "Then, we encouraged the Gliesians to value their assets. This was tremendously exciting as they realized that some of them owned property that was more valuable than their neighbors." A flourishing real estate market grew up overnight. Luxurious caves and underwater palaces were built. Earth attorneys helped the Gliesians devise a legal system to enforce contracts and settle disputes.

"The next step was to get the Gliesians to value their own labor," says Gruber-Yonge. "Many were delighted to see that their skills were worth more than their neighbors." Compensation schedules were created. An elite separated itself from the mass. Comparative wealth created rich and poor, upper and lower class..." Gruber-Yonge pauses with a reverent look. "It was alike watching the six days of creation."

The inevitable conflicts of a flourishing economy caused tension and resentment, which the legal system expanded to resolve. Police agencies were created to enforce the laws. Prisons were built.

Meanwhile, bankers on earth created an exchange to trade in Gliesian stocks, property and currency. The Chinese, who had run out of places on earth to invest, were enthusiastic about this new market. Astrals were converted to dollars. Fortunes were made.

"The Gliesians were amazed at how we could create wealth out of thin air," says Gruber-Yonge. "They formed hundreds of corporations for their new stock exchange. They checked the prices every day. Used their astrals to invest in the earth markets."

Earth bankers converted stimulus billions into astrals, which they lent to Gliesian monetizers, who then lent them to their fledgling capitalists and returned the interest to earth in the form of astrals, which were quickly converted into dollars. Earth bankers traded astral futures among themselves and made gigantic bets in the Gliesian markets.

"Gliesians were fascinated by the concept of leverage," Gruber-Yonge says. "To them it was magical. They praised us to the sky."

With the astral pegged at one to two dollars profits were astronomical.

"In a leveraged developing economy there are no losers," Gruber-Yonge says. "A fishtail (we called them rockheads and fishtails) borrowed a milliion astrals to build an underwater yo yo factory and sold it for forty million three months later."

But slowly, imperceptibly a consumer economy took hold.

"Gliesans were purchasing and manufacturing products they didn't really need," says Gruber-Yonge ruefully. "They were caught up in a spending and leveraging frenzy. Then, they woke up one morning and there was nothing left to buy."

With sagging demand factories closed, jobs were lost, loans and mortgages were delinquent. Earth banks began to report losses as Gliesians defaulted. The astral plunged. The dollar was in crisis. The Chinese, enraged that once again their trillion dollar investment had been devalued, called for the creation of "an intergalactic reserve currency that is disconnected from individual planets and remains stable."

Earth governments intervened and nationalized the banks, wiping out the Gliesian shareholders.

Gliese, faced with massive unemployment, plunging property values and social unrest, appealed to earth.

"Your greed has brought us to the brink of this precipice. You will create more credit for your banks and recover your wealth, but we are ruined."

And now the Gliesians learned a new economic concept--the write-off. Earth bankers sent their regrets. There was nothing they could do.

This morning in what was described as an energy-saving move, Earth switched off its communication links with Gliese.

As the signal faded, a Gliesian could be heard lamenting:

"We'll never be able to call ourselves Rhapsodia again."

The Daily Event is proud to have guest columnist Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, editor-in chief of paranoiaisfact.com, to answers readers' questions.

Dear Igor,

I sell souvenirs to tourists on the Staten Island Ferry and after eight years of Dubya I can't give America away. Nobody wants Statue of Liberty piggy banks,  FBI caps, "Brooklyn Rules" tees...Not even Michael Jackson wind up dolls. People used to be in awe of how cool we were--NYC, DC, the Grand Canyon, Hollywood. Now they come to sneer and feel superior.  Our plunging dollar makes us a cheap date. Our leaders get no respect. After Bush trashed the American brand I thought Obama would turn it around, but his novelty has quickly faded and now I'm stuck with a gross of  "Yes I Can" hoodies.  I'm afraid America will never be cool again. Is this paranoia or fact?

Distressed Peddler
Sunnyside, Queens

Dear Distressed,

This is fact. According to a recent Pew survey,the US ranked 117th on the cool index, right under Tierra Del Fuego. Only Russia, China, the UK and Zimbabwe were considered less cool than the US.

America created the 20th. Century in its own image. Victorious in two wars, innovative in industry and the arts, it was a magnet for the best minds and most energetic workers in the world. Everyone loved Detroit cars, Broadway musicals, Hollywood movies, American cigarettes and Elvis. American Capitalism vanquished Soviet Communism by promising eternal, exponential wealth. 

America was cool.

Now the American financial house of cards has collapsed. General Motors is begging Government handouts, Broadway is ruled by British imports,Hollywood is a limping subdivision of bloated conglomerates, the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer and Graceland is controlled by  Scientology.

Uncool.

In its ascendancy, the US had the coolest leaders. FDR betrayed his class to bring the US out of the Depression. Harry Truman fired MacArthur and stood up to Stalin. Dwight D. Eisenhower, wartime commander and Five Star General, turned on his brethren to warn  about the "Military-Industrial Complex." JFK,  brought hipness, taste and sophistication into the White House and  called Krushchev's bluff in Cuba.  Even Lyndon Johnson had the dignity to withdraw from public life when the people rejected him.

Cool.

During its  slow decline the US has experienced an unbroken chain of bizarre nonentities. Nixon inexplicably recorded his own incriminating statements; Carter, a peanut farmer with delusions of prophecy,  left office with a 19% interest rate; Reagan, an underpaid Warner Bros. contract player, actually believed that the rich would allow a minuscule portion of their wealth to "trickle down" to the working class; Clinton, a glib, small town Lothario, enabled Wall Street to take over the American economy. The Bushes are the greatest argument against ruling class inbreeding since the Hapsburgs. Obama has seen ingratiation turn into antagonism and doesn't know what to do about it.

Uncool.

American celebrities were the coolest in the world. Could anyone top Marilyn or Einstein (he was a citizen), Astaire, Grace Kelly, Jonas Salk, Jackie O, Brando, Duke Ellington, Broadway Joe--the list is truly endless. 

Now you have OJ, MJ, Lindsay Lohan, Elliot Spitzer. You have the dangerous nonentities of reality TV. Sports stars who turn themselves into bionic chimeras with steroids and surgery.

But don't feel too bad, Distressed. At least you can complain. Three quarters of the world must suffer in silence. They live  under the heel of oligarchical thugs who maintain their power by censorship, repression, torture, rape and outright massacre. 

Uncool

China hasn't been cool since Confucius, France since Sartre and Belmondo; the UK since James Bond and he wasn't even real. Italy has a seventy-three year old President who brags to teenage girls about his sexual prowess. Russia was cool with Rasputin, but Putin  poses shirtless like Mr. Universe and  Medvedev,  the little man who wasn't there, makes pronouncements that no one hears.

The entire planet is totally, hopelessly...

Uncool.