WASHINGTON, D.C., Jan. 20...Can a man who has been honored by the Queen of England, given a TED award for social activism, named a Time  Magazine Person of the Year, nominated for an Oscar, a Golden Globe, a Grammy and a Nobel Peace Prize be all bad?

Leah Schildkraut thinks he can.

Bono, lead singer of U2, billionaire financier and globetrotting philanthropist, has devoted much time and energy to raising money for African causes.  

But Schildkraut, Emerging Economies Specialist, with the Anarcho-Feminist Alliance, thinks he and other celebrities are doing more harm than good.

"Africa doesn't need handouts," she said. "It needs a level playing field."

On the eve of President-elect Obama's inauguration, she traveled to Washington with a delegation of African entrepreneurs to expose what she called the "cult of celebrity charity," and to lobby officials of the incoming administration for free trade agreements with Africa, investment initiatives and aid to local businesses.

They stood in the happily milling crush near the Lincoln Memorial holding signs, demanding "Independence, not Dependence," and  "Trade Not Aid for Africa." Schildkraut had set up a table with a selection of African exports--Ghanaian grapefruit, Nigerian prints, Ugandan coffee--and a colorful leaflet explaining the wide range of products and services that Africa offers. Holding a portable mike she harangued the crowd. "Africa is being kept in a state of colonial subservience by capitalist donor fronts, the World Bank and the IMF. The same people who give them a useless pittance are holding them back from real prosperity..."  Hundreds of TV News people, photographers and You Tubers walked by, but no one stopped. All eyes were on the Memorial where a troupe of A- list performers were entertaining the star struck crowd. 

"Maybe this was not a good time, Leah," Edward, a free press advocate from Zimbabwe said gently. "Nobody wants controversy today."

"U2 ," someone shouted excitedly and the crowd surged forward for a better look.

At the top of the steps, Bono was being cheered on as he sang "Pride...In the name of Love", the song U2 wrote in honor of Martin Luther King.

"U2 is the problem, not the solution," Schildkraut shouted. She erased the "Trade not Aid" sign and hurriedly printed "BONO IS A HYPOCRITE" in black block letters. 

"That is a little strong, Leah," said Miriam, an anti-slavery activist from Niger.

People paused for a moment, but then moved on as Schildkraut grabbed a hand mike. "Bono and Geldof and all the celebrity dilettantes present a distorted picture of Africa..."

A tall man in a colorful dashiki fixed her with a scornful look. "What do you know about Africa, lady?" And moved on before Schildkraut answered:

"Don't listen to me. Listen to Ugandan journalist Andrew Mwenda. He says that the celebrity charities offer 'a portrayal of Africans as unable to think, empty...' He says that Africa has been stripped of self-initiative...That giving money to governments makes them accountable to the donors, the World bank, the IMF, the celebrities and not their own people...He says that the billions donated to corrupt governments are used to pay off political allies and bolster police forces that maintain  repressive rule."

Humanity flowed around them. Only one person stopped and watched in indignant disbelief. He was carrying a sign that read: U2 MEETUPS and identified himself as Efraim Durg, head of the Brooklyn chapter. 

"Listen to Professor William Easterly," Schildkraut said. "He says that the typical African is a long way from being a starving AIDS victim at the mercy of child soldiers. He says that between 1/2 and 1 per cent of Africans died of AIDS in 2007. That only one out of 10,800 died as a result of armed conflict..."

"That's because people like Bono are making a difference," Durg said.

"Easterly says that in 2006 Sub-Saharan Africa registered its third straight year of GDP growth above 6%, better than most western countries," Schildkraut said. "Economist Michael Clemens says that Africa has expanded elementary school enrollment at more than twice the rate of western economies, which kept peasants and workers functionally illiterate for centuries..."

"No one is lis-ten-ing," Durg jeered.

Schildkraut climbed a chair and turned up her mike. "At a recent conference Mwenda, who was imprisoned twice in Uganda for criticizing the government, challenged the G8 countries to liberalize trade rules so African products could compete in the world market. 'Did any country ever become rich by holding out the begging bowl?' Mwenda asked...And Bono..." She gulped, speechless with rage.."Bono heckled him. Said what he was saying was 'bollocks.'"

Durg blinked in puzzlement. "What's bollocks?"

"Bono was angry because Mwenda was upstaging him," Schildkraut said.

"Oh yeah, can he sing?" Durg asked.

"Professor Easterly says he wonders if Africa is saving celebrity careers more than celebrities are saving Africa."

This was too much for Durg. "Bono runs himself ragged trying to raise money for poor, sick people and this is the thanks he gets...He gets billions of dollars of debts forgiven..."

"So the corrupt rulers don't have to repay money they used to buy limos, pay off cronies and strengthen their police forces," Schildkraut said. "And meanwhile the G8 is keeping African cotton, sugar and produce out of the world market..."

"Bono started the "Red" products campaign," Durg said.

"Which is a complete flop," Schildkraut said, her voice breaking. "After a $100 million marketing campaign only $18 million has been raised..."

"It's just getting started," Durg said.

"And it's the typical shallow consumerist meliorism that the Africans object to," Schildkraut scoffed. "Buy an iPod nano and provide 83 treatments to relieve the risk of AIDS transmission. Buy a billion nanos and wipe out AIDS. Buy a trillion and wipe out world poverty... Meanwhile, the nano is manufactured at factories in Longhua and Suzhou, China where the workers put in 15 hour days for $50 a month..."

"That's not Bono's fault," Durg said." He can't solve all the world's problems."

"Let him start with his own company, Elevation Partners," Schildkraut said. "They own a piece of Palm electronics, whose products are manufactured in Guanzhou, China by Casio where four thousand workers walked off the job in protest at low wages and poor conditions and the riot police were called in to force them back to work and 20 were injured. They own BioWare/Pandemic game producers whose components are manufactured by Atari at factories in Guangdong where workers are made to stand for hours at a time..."

"You couldn't afford any of those products if they were made in the US," Durg said.

Schildkraut sagged and stepped off the chair. "I know," she said. "I'm the contradiction. I'm the problem..."

"Look Leah, there's Stevie Wonder," Miriam said.

Durg pointed to Obama who was smiling benignly from behind a glass shield.

"You should try to lighten up," he said. "Today's a great day."

"I know," Schildkraut said. She gave him a bag of Good African Coffee. "Try this," she said. "It's really good."

LONDON, England, Jan 12...Insurance companies face "total extinction" if the global economic crisis continues, an executive warned today.

"We are being inundated by a tsunami of fraudulent claims," said Walter Neff, VP Adjustments for AIG. "Our trust is being betrayed by desperate, unscrupulous insurees. Forget the bankers, brokers, auto makers and porn merchants. Our boat is the leakiest. We need a bailout now."

Neff told attendees at the annual Assurers and Actuaries convention that failed business people, destitute mortgage holders and disgraced CEO's had put an "intolerable" burden on the system.

"We're optimists, we make our money betting against disaster," he said. "We trusted our clients to stay in their homes, keep their jobs and outlive their insurance policies. And they let us down."

Since the recession began three years ago, "insurees have been wreaking havoc on our actuarial tables," Neff said.

It began with the fires, he said. In normal times there is a very slight probability that a house will be destroyed by fire so the insurers could fatten the homeowner's premium with extra fire protection.

But when the subprime meltdown began the companies saw an incredible upsurge in fire claims.

"Houses were going up in flames all over the country," Neff said. "We had to hire extra adjusters to keep up with claims."

After a few investigations uncovered arson, the companies realized that people who couldn't keep up with their mortgages were burning down their dream houses to squeeze out one last bit of equity. "We could nail the few who had moved valuables and furniture before the fire," Neff said, "but it was hard to prove a case against the ones who were willing to let heirlooms and family keepsakes be consumed. These small domestic tragedies added up to a tremendous loss for us "

Small businesses were the next flag. "Fire, theft, flood, spoiled shipments, vandalism," Neff said. "I'm talking about family businesses that had been around for generations and were now ruined...Respectable people whose only recourse was fraud."

Corporate insurance had been a cash cow for years. "We sold hundreds of millions of liability protection," Neff said.

"But suddenly, companies were shedding CEO's like a sheepdog sheds hair. Faced with illegal dismissal suits they were opening those golden parachutes. And we were providing the soft landing."

"Corporate officers whose contracts indemnified them against legal action were getting sued and indicted left and right," Neff said. "And all those expensive lawyers were on us."

And now comes a new and potentially lethal wrinkle, which Neff says "could sink the industry"--Tycoon suicides.

In the last few months four prominent and--according to Neff--heavily insured executives have killed themselves. Investment banker Thierry Magon de La Villehuchet, who lost $1.4 billion of his clients money in the Madoff scandal slit his wrists in his midtown Manhattan office. German billionaire Adolf Merckle, ranked as the 92nd. richest man in the world and often described as Europe's Warren Buffet, took a $600 million loss when he sold Volkswagen short. He wrote a suicide note and lay down on the railroad tracks about 300 yards from his home. In September London financier Kirk Stephenson, CEO of struggling private equity firm Olivant Partners, stepped in front of a railroad train going 100 mph. Last week Chicago real estate mogul Stephen Good was discovered in his car, a bullet wound in his head.

"These were devoted family men," Neff said. "The only liquid asset they had left was an insurance policy. It's possible that they killed themselves to leave some cash for their heirs..."

All insurance policies contain a clause that cancels payment if the insured commits suicide in the first two years the policy is in force. "Our actuarial tables showed no significant incidence of suicide after the cut off date, so we felt safe with that clause," Neff said.

But now the actuaries have determined that executive suicides could become a copycat phenomenon. Agents have been calling clients seeking to rewrite their policies.

"It's tricky," Neff said. "Some of these guys are in bad shape. We don't want to give them any ideas."

Companies have been talking about an industry-wide agreement to change the terms of the standard policy to forbid suicide entirely.

"That probably won't work, either," Neff said. "Would you buy a policy that doesn't let you kill yourself in forty or fifty years if you get a terminal disease or are just tired being old?"

Most policies have a clause which pays double for accidental death. "That was a good deal when only 4.5% of deaths were accidental," Neff said. But now he is afraid resourceful execs will stage their deaths to look accidental. "We're watching out for scuttled yachts, totaled Ferraris, crashed private planes," Neff said. "We're on alert for death by salmonella, botulism, the ebola virus..."

Lobbyists have been put to work in all the major capitals seeking a bailout. "There are thousands of young, healthy men in the prime of life, who qualified for billions of dollars of life insurance," Neff said. "With more companies going bankrupt, more dismissals and indictments we could have an epidemic of dead executives on our hands."

Igor Yopsvoyomatsky, editor of paranoiaisfact.com and columnist for the DE, answers readers' questions.

Dear Igor,

My son came home for winter break with a new culture hero--Slavoj Zizek. Zizek had taken his university by storm, giving two sold-out lectures and sitting for an online interview that lasted hours. "He's a post-modern ironist," my son said. It was nice to hear him use words I didn't think he knew. It was great that he went to hear a philosopher-any philosopher- give a lecture. But then I  read some of Zizik's essays and I was appalled. Zizik says that Islamic terrorists are not fundamentalists or even revolutionaries, but the casualties of global capitalism. That on 9/11 a paranoid America got what it had been fantasizing about for decades. That Mohammad Atta and  his terrrorist hijackers represented the "good as the spirit of and actual readiness to sacrifice in the name of a higher cause." That when prisoners were tortured in Guantanamo they were really  being initiated into the true essence of American culture. And if Americans really believed in Democracy they would not vote themselves, but would let the rest of the world choose their leader. My son  says I should lighten up. It's just a big joke-"post modern, dad-" meant to make people question conventional assumptions. But then I read an article which calls Zizek "the most dangerous philosopher in the west." Is this paranoia or fact?

60's Liberal

Shaker Heights, Ohio

Dear Liberal,

First...If you want to cure your son of his post-modern tendencies cut off his allowance.

Now to your question. This is pure paranoia. If Zizik were dangerous you would never have heard of him. The capitalist culture welcomes and rewards only harmless iconoclasts, who do not challenge the economic order. To Zizek goes the lucrative honor of being this generation's token anarchist.

Slavoj Zizek is Slovenia's most famous culture hustler. (Admittedly, it is a small country.) You could say he is the Jon Stewart of the academic lecture circuit. He plies a nice trade on the well-endowed campuses of the world, making statements that seem to be outrageous, but are really clever panderings to the politics of his audience. He is a living oxymoron-a best-selling philosopher. He publishes prodigiously dense, obscure musings, but always inserts a sensational easy-to-understand headline  about the US, Nazism, Stalinism, Jihadism, Christianity, Zionism, Anti-Semitism (a particular favorite) which creates controversy and adds to his box office appeal.

If Zizek didn't exist, Woody Allen would have had to invent him. He is the subject of a full length documentary, has had a punk band (Laibajh) and a virtual nation (NSK) founded in his honor. He has his own academic journal (International of Zizek Studies,) has written copy for the Abercrombie and Fitch Catalogue  and is recently married to a beautiful Argentine model. 

He cultivates publicity, responding to every request for a quote or an interview. He loves to  tweak Americans and Jews because they can be counted to respond with howls of injured indignation. In his book The Borrowed Kettle he is quoted as saying: "Better the worst Stalinist dictatorship than the most liberal capitalist democracy." He is modishly anti Israel, saying that Nazism and Zionism were allied in their programs to "change violently the ratio of ethnic groups in a population." He has been quoted as supporting the view that "the only true solution to the Jewish question is the final solution (their annihilation) because the Jews are the ultimate obstacle to the final solution of history of overcoming of divisions in unity and flexibility" while offering an exemption from extermination "to Jews resisting identification  with the state of Israel." When challenged he responds with rhetorically raised eyebrow that Jews are "the majority of my friends and theoretical collaborators."

Zizek's politics are shared by many on the lifestyle left. But he stands out because of his clever use of American popular culture to disarm his critics. He is an expert on Hitchcock, finds great significance in the Matrix trilogy and leavens his diatribes  with movie references, jokes and humorous anecdotes. How angry can you be at a man who claims to see the world as a Marx Brothers' out take?

In the spirit of Zizek I can offer you an anecdote for consolation. In my student days I worked as an orderly on the psychiatric ward of the Pinsk hospital. A man marched back and forth, a sheet wrapped around him like a toga. 

"He thinks he's Julius Caesar," a nurse said with a smile.

Another man stood by the window, whining and strumming on an air guitar..."Thinks he's Bob Dylan," she said.

In a shadowy corner a man sat crooning to himself, while he rocked back and forth  on a pile of soiled, fetid sheets.

"Who does he think he is?" I asked.

"An intellectual," the nurse said.

NEW YORK, N.Y., Jan. 6th...Fast food franchises are "insidiously" planting sexist, anti-labor and neo-imperialist propaganda in their commercials, a consumer advocate charged today.

Leah Schildkraut, Corporate Malfeasance specialist with the Anarcho-Feminist Coalition, called for an immediate boycott of Taco Bell, Carl's Jr. and Burger King.

In a press conference to kick off a nationwide campaign, Schildkraut spotlighted three commercials which she said "reinforced reactionary tendencies in the young male demographic."  

In the Taco Bell ad, a customer is about to tip the counterman. "Keep the change," he says. But his friend stops him and says he can get another Taco Bell for what he just tipped. The customer changes his mind and quickly scoops up his change.  "You only pushed a button," he explains to the stiffed counterman. As he walks away his friend shrugs  as if to say "sorry, but he's right."

"Close analysis of this commercial reveals a very subtle message of class prejudice," Schildkraut said.

A man in the audience jumped up. "Get a life."

Schildkraut ignored him. "The customers are young, smug and obviously more intelligent than the counterman who is portrayed as an unskilled, retard, undeserving of a tip. This is a not so subtle attempt to devalue labor in the minds of the young and produce an anti-union mentality..."

The heckler who identified himself as Efraim Durg, founder  of Males in Revolt. com, looked  to the crowd for support. "It's a not so subtle attempt to sell burritos, you mean."

"Only on the surface," Schildkraut said. "What's important are what advertising people calls hidden persuaders..."

She cued up another commercial. "Now we turn to the blatantly sexist Carl's Jr."

A young man is seen devouring an enormous  Carl's Jr. burger while mechanics sand splashes of white paint off his car. A voice informs us that the man has  several girlfriends and "there was nothing wrong with that" until they found out about each other. The mechanics work away with knowing, complicit smiles.  As the commercial ends we see that one or all of the scorned females has painted "CHEATER" on the man's car. 

"Notice his gloating look," Schildkraut said, seething. "This commercial endorses infidelity, deceit and male conspiracy against women."

"It endorses cheap food for young guys on a budget, you mean," Durg said.

"Everything has a political context," Schildkraut said. "Have you ever seen a commercial in which a woman is congratulated for cheating on her boyfriend?"

"Maybe not, but it happens in real life every day," Durg said with an aggrieved look. "Young, broke guys can't get women..."

"You really believe it's all about money, don't you?" Schildkraut said. "You're a victim of fast food propaganda..."

A large woman stood over Durg.  "You're pathetic," she jeered.

Schildkraut screened a Burger King spot entitled "Whopper Virgins." A picnic table of Greenlanders in colorful indigenous dress, taste a Burger King Whopper and a Big Mac. They choose the Whopper.

"The manifest content of the commercial is that unspoiled palates will prefer Burger King," Schildkraut said. "But the subtext is that  fast food - American popular culture- is embraced by all. The fast food empires, having saturated their domestic markets, have now invaded these unspoiled lands...They hope to create a colonial dependency with their new weapons of conquest--- transfat, sugar and sodium..."

"It'll still be  a whole lot better than seal blubber," Durg said.

The crowd erupted.

"Typical."

"Redneck!" 

"Burger Kings, Dunkin' Donuts, Kentucky Fried will pollute the pristine beauty of Nuuk," Schildkraut warned, her voice rising. "Imperialism will bring obesity, diabetes, cardiac arrest to the Inuit just as it brought alcohol opium and syphilis to other unsuspecting people in the past..."

The audience was inflamed. 

"How about that Taco Bell commercial where the dude sends the valet parking lot guy to get him a Triple Steak and doesn't tip him or even say thank you," somebody shouted. 

"Or the Del Taco where the kid's mom turns out to be a cougar."

Schildkraut clapped. "Shut 'em down..." The audience joined her, clapping and chanting. "Shut 'em down...Shut 'em down..."

"Hey don't take our cheap food away," Durg pleaded. "It's the only thing we have."

The audience quieted, struck by the anguish in his tone.

"Imagine, you're a young guy who just got laid off from his dead end job," Durg said. "You're back living in your old room. Mom does your laundry. You have to borrow from dad to gas up the car. Can't even take a girl out for a non fat vanilla latte. But you know  for a coupla bucks you can get a cheeseburger, fries, a coke and feel satisfied...Don't take this small consolation away."

Chairs scraped. There were murmurs of sympathy.

Schildkraut looked intently down at Durg. "Wait a minute, I know this guy."  She jumped off the platform, pointing an accusing finger. "He's the manager of the Jack-in-the-Box at the Paramus Mall."

The crowd surged...

"He's a spy."

"Corporate goon!"

Durg was immediately surrounded by members of the Lesbian Cage Fighting Cooperative, who had been providing security.

"Okay buddy, take a hike..."

"Hold it!" Durg with a dramatic gesture.He pushed through the crowd to confront Schildkraut. "I know you too,bitch," he said. "You come in every morning for a breakfast bowl. I didn't recognize you without the Mets cap and the sunglasses,""

Schildkraut turned away, blushing. 

"I'm trying to kick the habit," she explained to her stunned colleagues. "I'm off Wendy's and Long John Silver's...But that nitrite rich bacon, the molten plastic cheese..."

"Busted!" Durg shrieked with a demonic glee. "From now on no more extra cibatta for you..."

BRUSSELS, Belgium, Dec. 26...Upstaged and rendered irrelevant by the rise of Barrack Obama, European leaders have formed a secret task force to find ways to tarnish his image, the Daily Event has learned.

"George Bush was an easy foil who made all our leaders look good," said a Euro diplomat, who asked not be identified be cause he/she is not allowed to speak to the media. "But Obama is outshining us, seducing our volatile populations."

The unit, consisting of intelligence analysts, media specialists and psychological warfare operatives, will seek to uncover scandal, create unflattering stories and exploit weaknesses in Obama's personality. Nations that have been in political and economic conflict have agreed to forget their differences and cooperate fully.

"We are united in our understanding that Obama is a threat to the political survival of every leader in the world," the diplomat said.

The alarm was sounded in foreign capitals last July when 200,000 screaming Germans welcomed Obama to Berlin. Flaunting piercings, strumming guitars and, most distressingly, waving American flags, the crowd massed impatiently across from the Brandenburg Gate where JFK had famously proclaimed "Ich Bin Eine Berliner," and Ronald Reagan had challenged Russian Prime Minister Gorbachev to "tear down this wall." Rock bands and DJ's warmed up the crowd, local politicians, scrambled for a ray of reflected glory.

The crowd cheered as Obama called for greater cooperation in dealing with the problems of terrorism and poverty. "No nation, no matter how large and powerful can defeat these challenges alone," he said. The collective mood was summed up by a student: "Having a black American president will be totally cool."

In her office German Chancellor Angela Merkel watched glumly. She had tried everything to prevent Obama's appearance, saying that it would give the impression that the German government supported his candidacy. But she had been overwhelmed by the world's need for a new charismatic leader. On her desk were German newspapers raving about Obama. On her phone were some very worried heads of state---Sarkozy, Brown, Berlusconi, Putin, Hu Jintao, Saudi King Abdullah and Venezuelan President Chavez.

"I haven't seen a German waving an American flag since 1989," Putin said.

"Let's face it, ragazzi," said Berlusconi. "We've lost our whipping boy."

For the last eight years the world has been able to hide its misdeeds behind the catastrophic policies of the Bush administration. Under Bush the US was the only country to reject the Kyoto accords. Every other nation piously criticized the US while secretly violating the agreement by engaging in meaningless carbon exchanges that actually increased the amount of pollutants in the atmosphere. Under Bush's refusal to lift farm subsidies the other nations were able to conceal their protectionism. European Commissioner for Trade Peter Mandelson was allowed to indulge his penchant for drama, while accomplishing nothing. Bush's invasion of Iraq became a pretext for European inactivity in Africa, South Asia and the Middle East. They were able to pin the blame for their multitude of sins on his scandal-ridden, dysfunctional administration. Putin, faced by the collapse of a mismanaged, single-product economy, could accuse the US of "infecting" the financial system. French Finance Minister Lagarde could obscure the $7 billion fraud at Societe Generale by criticizing the American SEC for "failure to regulate." Iceland could blame the US for its infatuation with risky derivatives. Germany could neatly deflect attention from its tax and banking scandals. OPEC, which had gotten wealthy on $50 a barrel oil could condemn the US because oil producers now needed $90 oil just to survive. China could appeal to its rebellious workers that the US was responsible for their sudden unemployment. It could righteously refuse to help the US out of the economic crisis it had helped to create when it purchased trillions of dollars of debt and artificially devalued its currency to fund American consumers purchase of its defective and dangerous products.

As long as Bush bullied and blundered, the other leaders could shine in comparison. But now Obama has hit the ball into their court. He has asked for their cooperation. Implicit in his appeal is the message: you must do more in this dangerous world. You must take political risks.

"It is cheaper and easier to undermine," the Euro diplomat said.

The task force, code named Operation Smear, has been at work behind closed doors in an obscure office building in downtown Ghent for a month and a half. Sub groups were formed to work on corruption, sexual misconduct, drug abuse, association with criminals, weird hobbies, odd dietary habits, embarrassing odors, anything to promote contempt or ridicule. At their weekly meeting, group leaders admitted they were stymied.

They were admonished by their chairman. "You are the best and brightest scandal mongers, malice spinners, frame artists and disinformation specialists in the world and you cannot dig up one speck of dirt on this man?"

After a moment of abashed silence, a timid voice volunteered:

"We could say he is soft on Israel..."

The room erupted in applause.

"Yes...Yes...He's a tool of the Jewish lobby," someone shouted.

"That always works."

New York City, Christmas Eve, 1973...Global warming hadn't become an A-list cause. Ozone layer sounded like something you inhaled at a party.

In Washington, the hottest present was a bootleg White House tape of President Nixon drunkenly ranting about the Watergate investigation to Attorney General John Mitchell. It was played at office parties all over town.

On Dec. 16, with the help of an Eagle Scout and a Brownie, Nixon, planted a 45 foot Colorado spruce, which was to be the first live White House Christmas tree. A few days earlier the North Vietnamese had rebuffed Kissinger's peace plan. That day the Arab oil producers had announced they were lifting their oil embargo against every country but the US and Netherlands, who they said were being punished for giving aid to the Israelis during the recent October War with Egypt. As he delivered his greetings to the nation, promising to "maintain the integrity of the White House," Nixon knew that the Joint Chiefs of Staff were running an espionage operation against the White House. Not only were the Democrats crying out for his impeachment, but his own military commanders were spying on him.

It had been a cruel month. On December 17, ice storms had delayed the opening of the Stock Exchange. Christmas Eve, a blizzard was dumping 30 inches of snow on Buffalo. In the city , a dark cloud settled like a wet blanket over the stars. Fluttering shreds of wrapping paper clung to my legs as I walked to the subway. Twin brothers in Santa hats marched outside the 72nd. St. station carrying signs reading "USEFUL IDIOTS FOR THE CIA."

The energy shortage had curtailed the decorations on the tree in Rockefeller center. Fifth Avenue wasn't its usual glittering self. The faltering economy, the war in Vietnam and the Watergate scandal had dampened the Christmas spirit.

Downtown, in Soho, the only way you could tell it was Christmas was that the galleries were closed and the sweatshops had sent their Hispanic ladies home early. The artists emerged from their lofts, hunched in fatigue jackets, with an occasional scarf as a gesture to the cold. Everything was closed. Only one light burned like a beacon in the night--Spring Street Bar.

We had no tree, no lights, no Christmas dinner. And we only had one customer: Kobe, the son of an Admiral in the Japanese Navy. Rumor was that he had been sent packing after he stabbed some guy with his father's ceremonial sword. Earlier in the evening Mei, the Chinese busboy, had knocked over his drink It seemed like an accident, but then I saw Loq, the Chinese dishwasher giggling in the kitchen doorway. Kobe saw him, too. Now he was downing tequilas and glaring at Mei, visions of the Rape of Nanking dancing in his head.

Marisol was a famous Venezuelan artist, who was having an affair with Jack, my bar partner. She was known for her explosive temper. "Get ready for some shit, I stood her up today," he had muttered as she lurched in, having fortified herself elsewhere for an epic confrontation.

I watched warily as he poured her a red wine, which she knocked back like a shot of whiskey, while glaring at him. Then thrust her empty glass at him for another...And another...

A couple came in out of the flurries. She was tall, graceful, wet snow glittering on her dark hair and cashmere coat, the kind of beauty who never buttoned her coat, even in bitter cold. He was shorter than she and softly fat. Biology hadn't given him a break. His face was red and chapped by the cold, just as it would be red and blistered by the sun. He steered her to the bar and glared as I smiled at her. There was a lot of glaring going on tonight.

"What would you like?" he asked her with what sounded like a parody upper class drawl.

"I don't know...anything." Her indecision gave me an excuse to look at her. Dark eyes under thick, unplucked brows, were focused somewhere else.

"What was that crazy drink you loved in Venice?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I don't remember."

"Pousse cafe," he said.. He threw down the challenge. "Can you make that here?"

I had never made one in my life. "I can make it anywhere," I said, defiantly.

I rummaged in the office behind the bar and found a torn copy of Mr. Boston's Bar Book. Pousse cafe had six ingredients floated on top of one another to produce what the author called "a striped rainbow of color."

The liquors had to be floated in the right order, the heaviest down to the lightest. I would have to make the drink in front of her because if I carried it the colors might run.

First, I covered the bottom of a highball glass with Grenadine. Using the back of a mixing spoon I floated Yellow Chartreuse on top of that. Then... reddish Creme de Cassis...White Creme de Cacao..."

A stool scraped.

"Nobody move please," I said. With a steady hand I floated Green Chartreuse and a final layer of Cognac.

I stepped back and contemplated a work of art, one layer of gorgeous color on top of another.

"This is probably the greatest thing I've ever done in my life," I told Jack.

But the girl pushed it away with a sob. "I can't." The drink came apart, its colors sloshing and bleeding into one another. She got up." I've got to go back there."

"No..." He pushed her down and whispered vehemently. "We're going to have a Christmas drink just like we said...Then, we'll go uptown..."

You stand behind the bar and try to get the story straight. This looked like a long term relationship finally crumbling. He trying to hold it together. She desperate to escape.

Peggy, the waitress, sipped the ruined pousse cafe. "It tastes like poisoned candy," she said.

The girl found a crumpled cigarette. He fumbled with his lighter. "What do you think they're doing now?" he asked

She took a sucking drag and blew the smoke through her nose. "I don't know what they do anymore."

"Your Mom's making her special egg nog like she always does, right? Well, we can have one, too." He turned to me with a pleading look. "Bartender, two beautiful Christmas egg nogs..."

We made a classic egg nog at Spring Street. Three parts heavy cream, two parts cognac, one egg yolk and gomme syrup in a mixing glass (we didn't use blenders back in the day.) Shake vigorously and pour in a tall glass. Sprinkle with nutmeg.

The beauty lit one cigarette off another. Not a good sign.

"Talk to me," the fat kid said urgently. "What did you do on Christmas when you were a kid?"

"You know..."

"Tell me anyway..."

Another deep drag. "We'd spend a few days in town with Daddy...Skate at the Wallman rink...Then he'd put us on a plane to Aspen to meet Mom and Bart. Mom and Bart would go skiing and Francy and I would freeze in that dark chalet...When it was dark, they'd come back with their friends. Bart would try to get the fire going and everybody would laugh because he was so loaded. Mom would come out of the kitchen. Time for my special egg nog, she'd say..."

Almost on cue I laid the drinks in front of them. He took a tentative sip and brightened. "This is good...Just like your Mom used to make... "

She could hardly put it to her lips. When she did she shook her head..."No, it's not like it at all ..." And got up again. "I have to go back there..."

On second look I saw that her long, graceful fingers were yellow with nicotine. The face under that mass of dark hair was gray. The eyes had the panic of a trapped animal. "Let me go back there, please..."

What was "there?" A pile of coke? An abusive lover? Was this fat, red-faced kid trying desperately to save a tragic beauty he would hopelessly love forever? Suddenly, his face had a suffering nobility. His shoulders sagged and he stepped away. "I'll get a taxi."

He slid a twenty under the ashtray.

"Sorry about the egg nog," I said.

He shrugged like it didn't matter. "Merry Christmas."

He stood arm raised in the middle of Spring Street where cabs never came, while she shivered in a doorway.

Peggy took a sip of my spurned masterpiece and made a face.

"More like ugh nog," she said.

BEIJING, China,...Dec. 9 A top-secret report prepared for China's Ministry of State Security (MSS) predicts that none of President-elect Obama's appointees will be in office at the end of his first term.

They are all qiao zong huo fan," the anonymous author says, using the Chinese term for bridge burners. "They will depart, leaving flames in their wake."

The report, which was leaked to the Daily Event by officials who prefer to be nameless out of fear of summary execution, analyzed bios and interviews to compile a profile of the typical appointee.

"He or she is addicted to conquest," the report says." But once success has been achieved becomes bored and either moves on or self-destructs."

The author sees Obama's cabinet as a "snake pit of militant egos," Three appointees sought the presidential nomination--Clinton, Richardson and Daschle. "Clinton feels great bitterness toward Richardson and Daschle for rejecting her to support Obama. She regards Richardson as an apostate who turned on her after all she and her husband had done for him.

"Richardson for his part, feels that he has not been rewarded for courageously spurning Clinton to support Obama in the early days before the outcome was clear. Every cabinet meeting will sting like a slap in the face as he sees Clinton sitting on the president's right hand in the job he coveted."

"Clinton and Richardson will make a public show of working together, but will intrigue against each other in private."

Daschle, was humiliated by his defeat in 2006 when Democrats were sweeping into office everywhere else. The report says that he he must engineer a major health care initiative to restore his political viability and predicts that his possible opponents in 2016 will try to block him at every turn.

"Competitive people do not give up their dreams," the author says. "The three who lost still aspire to ultimate power. Secretly they will wish Obama to fail."

The report predicts that the early days of the new administration will be rife with conflict and controversy. "Each cabinet officer will be given daunting tasks that they will be unable to perform."

As Secretary of State Clinton will be charged with persuading the Europeans to contribute more troops and money to the War on Terror.

"This they will not do."

Iran will not swayed from its nuclear path, the report says. "Clinton will try to ignore the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, but a series of attacks and retaliations will force her to engage...and fail."

The exit from Iraq will be messy. "American troops will fight bloody rear guard actions designed to extract the utmost humiliation."

Wary of appearing weak Obama will not remove the missile shield in Eastern Europe and Clinton will try to mollify the Russians into accepting it.

"This she will not do," the report says.

Defense Secretary Gates is a possible Republican contender. He will be looking for a way to maximize his credit while subtly detracting from his possible opponent in 2012. Sensing this, Clinton will try to minimize his influence. "There will be much backstage plotting," the report predicts.

"After the last American soldier has left, Gates will resign..."

Clinton and new Treasure Secretary Geithner will try to get the Chinese to open their financial markets and let the yuan appreciate.

"This of course, we will not do," the report says. It concludes that Clinton's tenure will be dogged by one failure after another that, fearing for her place in history, she will have to find a way to escape. A seat on the Supreme Court might provide a graceful exit.

Attorney-General designee Eric Holder has been chosen to "prevent revenge prosecutions," the report says. "The left wing of the party will want to indict Cheney and Rumsfeld. It will seek prosecution of high level financial donors. Obama does not want to alienate Republicans by going after Bush war criminals. Holder will hold the fort for Obama's wealthy patrons as long as he can. He will suffer a great loss of public prestige and will return to his lucrative law practice."

As Commerce Secretary Richardson will have to create business opportunities in a depressed global economy.

"This he will not do," he says.

"He will be diminished politically."

Treasury Secretary Geithner will try to find a way to keep taxes and inflation down while Government expenditures soar into the trillions.

"This no one could do."

Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic adviser is "a brilliant careerist, but not an original thinker," the report says. "Faced by a real unemployment rate of 15% he will be unable to innovate. Watching his fabled reputation wither as the economy languishes he will focus on the job he really wants---Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Current chairman Bernanke, weakened by the crisis, will be easy to topple. Summers will have a job that confers the maximum of prestige with the minimum of thought."

The report expresses puzzlement that Obama has not chosen loyalists, but "competitive individuals with deep personal agendas." It asks: "does this show that he is a naive bungler? Or is he brilliantly creating scapegoats for the failures he knows will come?"

It says a deeper analysis of Obama can be delayed in the short term. Given the turmoil in the US, China's future is not threatened.

"If we control dissent, stifle protests among migrant workers and farmers and keep the yuan artificially low we will continue to prosper. The US will not stop us."